Look. Listen. Look. I know there are bigger stories for the Dodgers right now, cough cough, Astros, cough, but I can’t stand idly by for another minute without acknowledging the immutable fact that there is a far deeper betrayal going on in the heart of Dodger nation, and that is that nobody has responded to my tweet begging for a Dodgers pet calendar.
I just got back from the Science Lab where it was empirically proven that each of the dogs owned by Dodgers players is objectively cute enough to end war forever if harnessed appropriately.
Don’t believe me? First of all, that’s heresy and I’ve already called the police, but also I’ve come bearing proof. It honestly would have been more than enough to drop some jpegs in here and mention that some of these dogs have their own Instagram followings but luckily for you I have worms in my brain that wouldn’t rest until I provided you with each Instagram handle for each dog that belongs to each player on the team.
Were there other things I should have been doing instead of looking over Instagram with a comically large magnifying glass for hours on end? Like going to the dentist? Or doing anything that anyone on Earth would actually give me money to do? Of course! But more importantly: shut up. Look at these dogs.
Justin Turner & Moonshine
The best part of each holiday season is seeing Moonshine be more photogenic in one pic than I will ever be in my entire life. She is so impossibly tiny it almost hurts to look at her. I’m not kidding. I’m typing this as tears stream down my face.
Walker Beuhler & Nala
Nala is a triple threat: she’s thicc, stylish, and has the ability to stay so still throughout her entire Dodgers Hometown Series Instagram story that she would, to the casual observer, appear to be not alive at all. She’s a professional and I respect the hell out of her.
Joc Pederson & Blue
Blue’s instagram bio just says “I’m a girl and cheesin is NOT my middle name.“ She’s a no-nonsense lady who says what she means and we love her for it.
This perfect tableau of Blue avec Uggs should already be hanging in the Louvre.
AJ Pollock & Ollie
Ollie is less well-documented than some of the Dodger Dogs but he more than makes up for it with THAT FACE.
For clarity, this is the face I was referring to.
Max Muncy & Jax (and Mia)
Not only is Max Muncy the owner of an impressive frenchie, he’s also the only Dodger I’ve been able to confirm has a cat! You really can have it all. The two have a joint Instagram account because the Muncies are deeply devoted to improving dog-cat relations across the globe.
I wouldn’t be able to possess this kind of drip if I were given a thousand lifetimes to attempt it.
Kiké Hernández & Arizona & Bruce Wayne
To be a tad bit gauche, Arizona and Bruce Wayne Hernández could probably sell out a calendar all on their own with their staggering (and well earned!!) 15K following on Instagram. They are a mini goldendoodette and a mini Australian labradoodle and they can shift from Afternoon to Evening wear effortlessly.
Corey Seager & Hazel
I didn’t even know Australian Shepherds came in toy. Hazel Gray Seager is God’s answer to all the injustice in the world. Just look at her. She absolutely knows how to solve our dependence on fossil fuels and could balance our national budget, if only we’d ask her.
I have to stop looking at this picture before it puts me in the hospital.
Alex Wood & Paxton
Everyone’s happy to see Alex Wood back on the Dodgers roster after his year playing for the Reds but I personally would like to also extend a specially made, very small welcome wagon for the living angel called Paxton.
Their dogs are friends! I’m still crying from before but now I’m crying additionally because of this.
Tony Gonsolin & Rosie
I have a special place in my heart for the Cat Man’s dog because she more than anything resembles a perfectly adorable personification of The Void.
Matt Beaty & Grainger
The extremely important thing about Grainger is that she has a little shirt with a picture of Matt on it that says “That’s my dad!”
Supportive, always smiling, and an appetite for adventure? She’s the total package.
Austin Barnes & Bella
Bella Barnes is small, she is perfect, and most importantly her ears do whatever they want at all times.
Caleb Ferguson & Tucker
Tucker Ferguson literally doesn’t look real. In every photo he is not only the softest dog but also, based on how much he always has to be propped up, the floppiest.
He even has an interest in the sport!
Kenta Maeda and Kotaro
Kenta’s perfect puffball Kotaro is as elusive as she is flawless.
Thus ends my tour of the Dodgers Dogs.
EXCEPT IT DOESN’T AT ALL.
Edwin Rios & Casey Sadler
These are apocryphal dogs that I don’t know anything about and can’t even prove really belong to these Dodgers but what I do know is they exist and show up on film and those are the only criteria I really need for pet calendar purposes.
I know what you’re saying: what about Cody? I’m not going to buy a pet calendar that doesn’t have the MLB’s best smile in it.
I don’t think Cody Bellinger or Alex Verdugo have dogs BUT I found dog photos of them as proof of concept that they CAN be photographed, near dogs, and that I’d believe maybe those dogs belonged to them.
I’M WILLING TO BE LIED TO, DODGERS! WORK WITH ME HERE!
I also can’t find any proof that Clayton Kershaw has a dog but I did find a photo of him and his wife Ellen with a kangaroo which is honestly close enough.
So, Dodgers. The (slightly slimy, chewed up) ball is in your court.